lovedd <33

2011-08-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

I realised my entire life since sec 2 was about u. Revolving about you. From the day I fell in love with u, I have not forgotten a single day that goes without thinking of you, no matter how insignificant it may be, be it when I was with him or not. Ironically, those times that I persuaded and convinced myself that I was over you, I wasnt, it was just a denial and I was trying to escape.

Hey. Tell me what to do. I could never seem to be happy without your presence. Yes I can be happy. I have friends and family. But, what was it that you are able to give and they cant? I can never seem to be able to experience that feeling, or stop feeling that you are the one.

Damn, im so stupid. I just cant stop hoping and waiting. Because I was in a relationship, I and knew it wasnt meant to be. Because I rly love who I was when I was with u.

2011-08-04T04:02:00.000-07:00

a year since i posted anything. looked back. realised everything i typed was so dumb and disgusting and naive. haha nonetheless the things i rly treasured back then, perhaps even now, still.

im always living with regrets. whats wrong with me. first i regretted giving up, then i realised its almost impossible to forget. then i trusted him to bring me away from loving this person. then realised i havent forget him a single bit at all.

now i regret being tgt with someone who was never meant to be.

i should have known much earlier, that it wasnt the right one and i shouldn be trying to salvage anything when it really wasnt meant to be. wasted my efforts, knowing that i really didnt want to try.

and im back to the point it started, and all that was just a waste of time and effort. nothing else. nothing worth remembering, because no matter how sweet those actions or memory were, i wasnt happy. i couldnt bring myself to smile like how i would given that person was him instead.

we took a polaroid, rmb? u kept it. but it was just, a photo. the 4 of us took a polaroid, but ironically, to me, it was the best thing i ever had. not that im confident to say that we are meant to be. but right, WE werent meant to be. a mistake. ridiculous mistake.

5 years ago, that was the best memory of my life. couldn override.

but now, is it even possible to find someone that i can love more than you.

they say if its meant to be it will be. but someone im afraid of accepting the fact that, perhaps it was never meant to be.

i wanna go through your head and see what you have in there. apart from studies and families. is there a place where im at least hidden at some corner. does the memories suffice every single time like how it does for me. even when i was with him, sometimes all i thought was about you. and to refrain myself from those thoughts, i tried loving him.

2010-10-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

falling apart

nothing left

2010-09-26T05:11:00.000-07:00

i really dunnoe wat to do.

so what if i dun want?

im so used to the warmth.
but nah.
i cant promise forever.
i dunnoe how much love i can give you.
i dunnoe how much i can try.
tired of trying.
i dunnoe how much i can bring myself to put in that extra effort.

u say i say i suck but i dun bother trying to do better.
maybe that's just cos.
even if i try.
maybe that's all a facade.

i dun want to promise forever.
i cant promise forever.

i dun want to break my promise anymore.

2010-09-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

it took me so long to figure out my feelings.
so long.

and i cant make up my mind.
all i can do is sleep and dream.

because somethings will never happen in reality.
no matter how much u wished.
how much u hope.
how much u tried.
how much u yearn for.
things will still be the same.

its hard to believe destiny didnt pave the route for us to walk.

Overview

You're the lion, known for being brave -- but you'd better muster up as much of that bravery as you possibly can now, because for the next several days, you'll be dealing with something far more stressful than a jealous lover. You'll need to handle misplaced directions, miscommunications and mistakes, all of which can lead to misunderstandings within relationships, be they romantic, platonic or professional. Yes, this could be tricky. Start mustering.

yea. so true. im just about to lose direction in everything.

2010-09-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

painful tears, sad loneliness.

so there still are times when you feel so helpless and all you can do is stare into blank space and cry. why is love so hard.

2010-09-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

have u ever missed me?
not you. but you.

2010-09-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

december 12 2009

i posted this:
holiday has been really really happening.

friday
went to yujie's hse in the afternoon lolol played game of life :D i noe i noob la first time playing but im the millionaire okay! first la :D but retire with no children D: so sad. lolol alot of funny happenings but lazy to update here.
played taboo haha as usual, taboo can be damn funny

i dunnoe why but recently, i started to have dreams about you again.
obviously when i didn want to. and when im not thinking bout you.
but it occurs to me like i shouldn try too hard forgetting.
bcos no matter how much i try to conceal, deep inside i still have some feelings.
and wishing something else to happen besides moving on.

again and again i reminded myself not to think again.
and i wonder if that dream, no those dreams were to act as a reminder, or alert or warning or just trying to tell me not to give up.

watever. shouldn think too much.
shouln hope for anything either.
cos either will just fail me and sadden me again.

shall continue with my happy and busy life :D

end.

9 months down the road.
every single thing change.
every single bit of my life.
every single bit of my thought.
what bout my love?

nice song:

No wonder love is so difficult, I’m still clumsy

honestly, now I am used to the sadness that love seems far away

We are too similar, only being stupid

Sometimes we have to go separate ways and have to collide each other,

but…

Maybe it’s love,

whenever I see you, my heart is filled with emotions

You awoke my rusted and frozen heart

Please love me,

Please hold me,

even the pain I hide

So that painful tears and sad loneliness

wouldn’t come to me again

I am afraid to give my heart,

afraid of the pain that would follow.

It’s my heart that I trashed and kept for a while,

but…

When did you enter my heart, when did you fill it up

My heart with you fragrance, your memories

Maybe it’s love,

whenever I see you, my heart is filled with emotions

You awoke my rusted and frozen heart

Please love me,

Please hold me,

even the pain I hide

So that painful tears and sad loneliness

wouldn’t come to me again

The person that was hidden behind all the tears

The one and only person I have waited

for such a long time

Maybe it’s you,

when I’m with you

I’m smile even though I’m hurt

The person that healed my deep wounds and the tears

that were like my habit

I will show you,

I will give you all the love that I kept

So that words of loneliness and separation

wouldn’t exist between us

So that only love would remain

if only he really was long gone from my heart.

if only u didnt come along.

if only none of watever had happened has happened.

i'll still be the one waiting alone.

i dreamt of both of you alot of times recently.
the one i used to yearn for so much.
now seems so far away.
the one that i didnt expect to come along.
it seems like i made a wrong choice.
i noe it hurts for him.
so does for me.

watever the case.
both of their love.
seem so far.

no matter how hard i try to reach. i couldn.
i tried moving on to you. only to realisd part of my heart was left behind.
broken into pieces.
nowhere to go.

its a different kind of feeling. why is it so hard to figure out?

2010-09-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

Like an fool, why didn't I know?
Like an fool, why did I let you go?
Like an foo, my heart cries slowly
I know now
My love is only you

Even if my eyes look for you
Even if my heart pressures me
I didn't believe that it was love
I believed that I was lonely and had to lean on you

Like an fool, why didn't I know?
Like an fool, why did I let you go?
Like an fool, my heart cries slowly
I know now
My love is only you

Let's not act like fools
Let's not heart ache alone
When tears fell because of the pain
I'd become upset with my heart for being so weak

Like an fool, why didn't I know?
Like an fool, why did I let you go?
Like an fool, my heart cries slowly
I know now

Do you know, that you are my love?
Do you know, that you fill my heart?
Like an idiot, I've just found out now
You, I call you

Because without you, I cannot live on

2010-06-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

things never go the way u plan it.
sometimes its so hard to be firm with ur beliefs.

maybe.

its time for me to give both of us a chance (:
though i'll never assure u that he'll be gone for life.
i guess somethings, i will not forget.
cos i've nv regretted in the past.

now that i've made this choice. though it'll nv be the best, i'll just hang on with it (:

decisions to be made in time.

dilemma

2010-06-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

i really feel like running away.
trying my best to overcome it.
but its hard to persuade myself its okay.

why does it feel so different?
too much desserts can turn into stressed.

the thought of it brings misery, much.
hopefully one day i wouldn feel like im suffocating from all that confusion and decide otherwise.
sometimes i wished i did.
sometimes i wish i dont.

its far more complicated.
maybe just to me.

2010-04-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

It’s okay to lose your pride over someone you love, don’t lose someone you love though over your pride.

You really ain’t that respectful, you really ain’t that smart, so what gives you the right to think you can tear people apart?

My head says, “who cares.” But then my heart whispers, “you do, stupid.”

And then there’s that girl; the one that’s always confused, the one that’s never good enough, the one who’s been through so much, but she’s still trying her hardest to be happy.

but u ruin it.

2010-04-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

promises aint made to be broken.
they are called promise for a reason.

and u broke it.

how am i going to believe again?

bcos i thought u would be thr when i needed u the most.
u werent thr. and didnt want to.

2010-02-19T21:13:00.000-08:00

i dun noe if its appropriate or not. but i desperately need some enlightenment.
now i understand the meaning of all those songs i dun used to understand.
now i understand the meaning of all those sacrifices i dun used to understand.

i cant say i dun like u.
bcos i think i do.
just that its a diff kind of feeling.
i think i like the way u treat me.
the way u give in.
the way u try to.

but again, thats not love.

i cant say i dun like u anymore.
bcos my heart aches every single time i see you.
memories couldn be erased.
and they are still deeply inside.

its hard to retreat.
but i shall not hesitate to be a bitch.
bcos some stuff cant be forced.

maybe soon i'll realised the enjoyment is temporary.
and it all ends up to one person only.

and that that one person may have his own life, way of living.
and that the one person, have no feelings for me.

i wont go ard declaring that i still like him.
i wont try to close him down to me.
i wont try to stop him from finding some1 else.

and even though i noe that till now its impossible.
till later part its still impossible.

i will still continue liking until one day i can confidently say im not.

i used to thought if u like some1, try to hold him down.
and i realised the meaning of letting go.

and i understand why is it impossible to be friends.
cos it just hurts.

the decision to be on hold.

im really sorry if one day i tell u, i think i still like him.